Epic Breakup

Reminiscing tonight about past relationships brought me back to my favorite breakup. In the Fall of 2006 I was dating a girl named Rachel. Rachel was a bubbly girl who went to school for acting. She ate acting, slept acting, breathed acting. I’m not a fan of acting or plays. She It was annoying.

Two months in and dozens of conversations about random things that would all lead somehow back to her acting I called her up one night and said we needed to talk. No one ever wants to hear “We need to talk.” At that point she might as well hang up the phone because it’s over.

After weeks of her constant pep and talk about acting, I couldn’t muster up real concrete reason to break up with her. What came out was “Hi. I think we need to take a break. You’re a little too optimistic for me.” Then she babbled on for a while trying to make sense of the personality bitch slap that I just threw at her.

It’s not that I’m a downer or a pessimist, it’s that she was too peppy all the time. If I call you and I’m pissed about something, don’t sit there all happy and cheerful and relate my bad experience to how you were in a bad play once. Sometimes things can’t just be looked at from a flowery, “I’m on speed” perspective. It was annoying as hell.

Looking back, yeah I was an asshole but what a hilarious reason it was. “You’re too optimistic.” Wow. That has to be the first time that’s ever been used outside of a goth/non-goth middle-school relationship. I’m never dating an actress again.